dadBLOG.

I'm really bad at this. If you're reading this to get advice, you should probably use Google instead. It'll be more informative and there will be no tape delay. If you're reading this to laugh at me...you may continue.

I don't want this blog to be abound with negativity. I would love for my audience to get the same feeling they have when they read/watch Hope Floats, The Notebook or Princess Diaries. Instead, I have the feeling this is going to turn slightly towards Texas Chainsaw Massacre or The Town That Dreaded Sundown (actual movie based on a true story. Look it up.)which if you know me, makes perfect sense. And to be honest, I've only seen two of the films I listed above. I'll let you decide which two.

Last post I left off with the importance of sleep. Believe me, if you could sell me sleep, I’d go bankrupt at this point...but let’s move on to today’s fun topic...

*SPIT/THROW UP*

I admit this one is probably 98% my fault, 1% his and 1% miscellaneous. Can’t help it. There is no instruction manual on how much to feed your kid. There are suggested amounts, but every kid is different and taking the generic route, while recommended, doesn’t always work. So...

FEED HIM. EVERYTHING HE WANTS. WHATEVER HE WANTS. WHENEVER HE WANTS. LIKE NOW...AND THEN AGAIN IN 2 HOURS. F*CK THE RECOMMENDED 3 HOUR WAIT. DO IT NOW. HE’S CRYING. IT’S WHAT HE WANTS.

I realize 100% of you will think it’s 100% my fault after reading that, buuuuuuuuut you don’t have a tornado siren giving off it’s warning 3 inches from your ear...so shut up.

Anyways, I fed the boy at the ass crack of dawn because f*ck sleep, right? He’s chillin, taking 6 oz of formula like an ace. I’m thinking, “Dude. Yes. This is awesome. Finish and go back to sleep so I can get 30 minutes of sleep before I have to start getting ready for work.”

He thought different though. At this point, I’m 78% confident he knew why the f*ck I was excited because he rolled over and gave me the “SURPRISE, DAD...I’M WIDE THE F*CK AWAKE. LET’S COUNT TO 1000 IN MY NATIVE GIBBERISH. OOOOOOOO....AHHHHHHHHH....PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...

Now, he’s teething. And some of you...know what the different “cries” mean. Any guys that don’t know this...there are different cries that are supposed to mean different things. I haven’t even come close to mastering this. When he cries, I check for sh*t, try to burp him, play with him in his activity center or stick a bottle in his mouth. I’ve gotten lucky and hit the right one first time maybe twice so far. More often than not, I go through 3 of those. I DIGRESS...

I put him in his crib once he began to doze off. By this time it was 4:45. Four motherf*cking forty five in the motherf*cking morning. But he, like most, gives zero f*cks. My alarm goes off at 5:30 every morning.

My morning is f*cked.

I get in the shower and get everything ready to rock and roll. Daycare opens at 6, and I plan on being there by 6:30 (come on, I don’t want to be the first person there. This is my kid). Only now I’m just realizing I’m now caught in no man’s land.

4:15 to 6:15 is two hours. If I wait three hours, that puts me in three different school zones spanning several blocks which adds 20 mins to my commute and f*ck that.

I. AM. F*CKED.

Looks like homeboy is getting fed an hour early. But how much do I give him? Remember...he had 6 oz two hours earlier so anything north of 1 oz is probably too much for his tiny 5 month old body, and at the same time, he’ll take 1 oz in three swigs. But at the same time, he’s going to need to eat at 7:15 if I skip this and that puts him square in arrival time for most kids, almost guaranteeing he either waits longer, gets rushed or fed early. Well shit...if he’s gonna be fed early, might as well be by me, right?

THIS WAS MY PROCESS. It happened in roughly 50 seconds. That’s as much time as he gave me before he decided it was time to wake up again.

Do you know what it’s like to have two tornado warnings go off under blue skies? If not, let me tell you, It’s confusing and annoying. So you’ll do whatever it takes to avoid this situation.

So. Four oz is the consensus. He’s a growing boy, this makes sense. He’s always trying/crying to eat. He’ll take it, no problem.

FEED THE BOY.

He eats, and I’m grateful. I spend 15 mins trying to burp him. He usually gives me three good, forceful, disgustingly rank burps. (Formula smells awful when regurgitated.) Today I get two. Not ideal, but my commute window is closing. Time to go.

I don’t like changing the boy before he’s fed and burped. To me it defeats the entire purpose. My kid loves to overeat and there’s a good chance he’ll spit up and act like he should be rewarded...possibly with more food. So I like to wait for the three burps and 10-15 mins of down time to let his stomach settle.

I’ve got 3 mins before I add an extra 20 mins to my commute. Anything more than 10 mins past that and I’ve officially hit a 1 hr+ commute on a 19 mile drive.

No.

He’s changed and happy. Everything seems like it’s gonna work. I’m thrilled. So I pick him up off his changing table and am immediately repurposed into a walking burp rag/bib. I am fully dressed for work and the boy is smiling at me. If you’re a parent, you know exactly what the face looks like. If you’re not, picture going to the store for bread and seeing the dipshit that got the last loaf eat half of it right in front of you while giving the other half to the birds. Evil, cold, calculated. This means war.

But I’m cool, calm and composed. Strip him down, toss the dirty, put on the clean. Wipe yourself off, and if there are no obvious stains, f*ck it...let’s ride. We’re now traveling to his car seat over by the garage when he sends an ICBM over my right shoulder. I WISH I had received an alert on this missile like I lived in Hawaii. Believe me. Because he got me even better than before.

And his smile...

Of the 4 extra oz I gave him, he kept down probably only 1 oz...the one motherf*cking oz I actively debated over. That stupid motherc*nter single oz.

“Go. Hurry. You’ve added 15 mins to your commute. Don’t let it get any higher. We got this bud.” I strap him in, I wipe us both down (because at this point, he’s not going through a wardrobe change like he’s Elton John or Lady Gaga at a performance) and we’re out.

The moral of this story: if you deviate from your plan with an infant, be ready to be/feel late to everything. If you’ve got a wife, you kind of already know the waiting game.

So his last feeding is now officially 6:15, but he’s projectile spewing so I tell his daycare caretaker his last feeding to 6:50 at daycare. The only problem is that it’s now 6:55.

I’m not the Flash, I’ve obviously been caught. This is good.

The story was not isolated. This is almost routine. He’s learning and evolving each and everyday and before long will be as intelligent as his father. Possibly more. The joys of parenthood are real.

Rinse. Repeat.

You’ve been told your whole life not to look at the sun, yet chances are at some point in your life you did it anyway. So when I tell you the following, there should be no reason why you’d listen to me:

VALUE SLEEP LIKE IT’S THE MOST PRECIOUS ELEMENT ON EARTH.

I used to value sleeping in a bed, surrounded by pillows and blankets.

Now I sleep standing up.

I used to complain when I didn’t get at least eight hours of sleep.

Now I’m Mr. F**king Rogers if I get four.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid to death, and that might be what ultimately happens. Death by exhaustion. Who knows. Just value your sleep. EVERYONE you’ll ever meet will tell you the same thing and it’s going to be annoying, but just listen.

My suggestion: take 2-8 days off somewhere near the due date. Isolate yourself. Sleep. As long as your tired little eyes will stay shut. Don’t do anything else. Just sleep.

Mom calls? Nope, sleeping. Lawn needs mowing? Nope, sleeping. Christmas lights need hanging? Nope sleeping. College Football Playoff Championship? Wake up, that might actually be worth it.

Imitate a bear and hibernate. Pretend the floor is lava. Imagine you’re a human that’s being watched by the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. Just lay still and sleep. Enjoy the silence.

My kid “talks” to me now, and God bless his tiny little heart, I have no f**king idea what he’s trying to tell me. It’s noise. I applaud his effort, but it’s like what I imagine the Germans heard with the Windtalkers during WWII. Just gibberish.

Constant...loud...gibberish.

*gooooooo gaaaaaaaahhhhhh groooooo gah...*

“Yep. Totally.”

I don’t ever know what to say back. And as a side note, they really aren’t interested in what you’re doing or the context of their surroundings.

Church?

“Someone’s gotta ask Jesus to save your soul, Dad.”

Restaurant?

“Dad, you know you ordered all that shit on the side. Send it back, don’t puss out.”

Store?

“ARE YOU SERIOUS, DAD? Are you TRYING to get me sick?”

Car ride?

“You guys seriously think this is gonna work? There’s zero chance I fall as-....”

I can’t wait for him to grasp the English language, mainly so I can tell him with confidence to stop talking. I’m kidding. But seriously though...

ENJOY THE SILENCE. ENJOY THE SLEEP.

Kids are wonderful.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written in this. One could even say too long. Or...not long enough. This is a trend and if you haven’t noticed the pattern, you probably didn’t pass whatever math class involved “probability”. Algebra or calculus. I don’t know*.

Regardless, the ever shifting landscape of my life has taken me down a different path. And with this new path, a clearer understanding of what this space will be. This...is...

.dadBLOG.

This will be a space to document my evolution into fatherhood and all the neat things I experience**.

If you’re a parent, this will hopefully rekindle your fondness for all of the things: green poop, rocket piss, the laughing and crying...both yours and your child’s, the spit up (MY GOD THE CONSTANT SPIT UP), the sleepless nights and the bonding you experienced with your child(ren).

If you’re not a parent...this space will hopefully serve as a “don’t do it until you’re done doing everything you ever wanted to do” or “enjoy your freedoms and bank account” warning. Consider this “family planning” without having to make the awkward trip down the family planning aisle at the grocery store. Doesn’t it always feel like you run into someone you know when you’re there?? And then you have to come up with a story or deflect what you’re doing and change the subject? Yeah this scenario avoids all that.

So read this. Know that what I say I have / have not done is true and you should take great comfort in knowing I stopped at one and will never volunteer to watch your kids. I also won’t host sleepovers. So there is literally a zero percent chance your child will be hurt in my presence***.

Enjoy reading dadBLOG.

*= I didn’t pass business math in college. I got a C in algebra II in high school. I don’t math.

**= “Neat” things...

***= Disclaimer: raise your kid right if you want him to hang out with mine. Otherwise I’ll throw hands. Your kid doesn’t intimidate me. Have you seen my wife? (I love you, dear.)

If you're reading this, it means you sometimes read my status updates. If you sometimes read my status updates, then you might know I was relating Auburn and Alabama's football teams to a corresponding Halloween costume for each...

...so that's what this posting will be.

The AP Top 25: Week 4 Halloween Costume Edition


25. Missouri (W) 9-6 UConn
      The Nerd at the Party: He's uninvited and no one has any idea how he got there or who told him about the party. He just wants to hang around long enough to see the hot chicks before he gets noticed and thrown out. He just doesn't belong.

24. Oklahoma State (W) 69-14 UTSA
      Chameleon: Somehow managed to convince UTSA they were on the same team, forcing seven (SEVEN) (7) turnovers en route to a 69-14 win.

T-22. BYU (L) 23-24
      The Virgin Mary: The Virgin Mary heard your prayers the past two weeks. Sorry boys, she was busy this week with someone else. Quit being so selfish...

T-22. Wisconsin (W) 28-3
      House of Pain (the hip hop group): I don't really know much about their season thus far, but I do like their party in the stands during "Jump Around".

21. Stanford (W) 41-31 USC
      A Rollercoaster Car: Extreme highs lead to extreme lows and back to extreme highs. It's fun, but if your a Cardinal fan, I'm sure you're about ready to throw up.

20. Georgia Tech (L) 22-30 ND
      A Tortoise: Start slow and methodical. Its a marathon, not a sprint, right Jackets? Well...no. It was a sprint yesterday and by the time you were in the race, the golden domers were already at The Backer.

19. USC (L) 31-41
      The Jilted Lover: Trying to desperately make Southern California fall in love with them allllllllll over again only to find out Southern California has been seeing Stanford and UCLA. I'M SORRY USC...IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE....

18. Utah (W) 45-24 Fresno State
      A set of Scales: Balance. When your QB throws for 159 yards and your leading rusher adds 156 on the ground, you're pretty much on level ground.

17. Northwestern (W) 19-10 Duke
      Steve Jobs: A bunch of smart guys that no one gave a chance to...and they're just proving you wrong every week. Be careful, chances are you'll end up working for or being under one of these nerds in some capacity. Don't you wish you had invested from the beginning?

16. Arizona (W) 77-13 Northern Arizona
      The U.S. Military: By land, sea or air...it doesn't matter. They're going to put points on the board in bunches and blow you away. Best to heed the air raid sirens when they go off...

15. Oklahoma (W) 52-38 Tulsa
      Schooner: Once it gets moving, it's gonna take some time to slow down and stop. Don't let it get rolling. Just don't. Or do...and end up like Tulsa.

14. Texas A&M (W) 44-27 Nevada
    Corky Romano: You do? You don't. You do? You don't. YOU SHOULD BUY A BOAT! The offense looks good one drive, dog doo the next. Same with the defense. Got some work to do before you make a true believer out of people and Arizona State is doing you no favors.

13. Oregon (W) 61-28 Georgia State
      A Duck: Not very original, I know. But without Marcus, they're vanilla to me. Just kinda...there...chillin' on the pond. Nothing special, save their 17, 280 uniform combinations (That's real by the way. I didn't make that number up).

12. Alabama (L) 37-43 Ole Miss
      Carmen San Diego: Where in the world is...a quarterback that can help this team? Bama fans have got to be asking themselves that very question. Coker and Bateman did their running game no favors last night. Granted, Ole Miss has a stout defense.

11. Clemson (W) 20-17 Louisville
      Pyrite: This team might very well be the fool's gold of the Top 25. They want you to think they're valuable, but if you watched any part of their last game...average at best. Chad Morris' moved to Highland Park and took his high flying offense with him. Better hope Venables isn't in line for one of those open positions at the end of the year.

10. Florida State (W) 14-0 Boston College
      A Box of Lucky Charms: By now, I'm sure you've all seen at least one FSU game within the last 3 years. You can't honestly tell me this is a good team. This is a team that relies on luck game in, game out. I'm also pretty sure Jimbo and his players enjoy a good bowl of Lucky Charms on game day.

9. UCLA (W) 24-23 BYU
      Harry Truman: Do some research, fools. Not The Truman Show. This was a presidential candidate everyone counted out...until he won. The game seemed in doubt for a bit, and I have no idea how they put it together to get the win. Maybe it's all the sweet and sensual loving Southern California is giving them...you know...the loving they used to give USC.

8. LSU (W) 45-21 Auburn
        A Bulldozer: Didn't matter who was in his way, Fournette just ran around, through, over and even under Auburn's defense. If you watched the game or highlights, you saw the man run UNDERNEATH a defender trying to (for some reason) jump over him. Move over, Honey Badger....I know a Tiger that just doesn't give a shit.

7. Georgia (W) 52-20 South Carolina
        A Mark 7 Cannon: Holy Shit. Watch out. This offense looks terrifying. South Carolina may be a flaming bag of dog shit, but Georgia made them look worse, if possible. Lambert throwing 25 passes and only missing on ONE...a cannon is seemingly appropriate.

6. Notre Dame (W) 30-22 Georgia Tech
        Mr. Potato Head: This team losing body parts left and right. It's an ever evolving situation you don't recognize from week to week as a team in contention, but I'll be damned if they still aren't a decent team. Aligning yourself with the ACC was a smooth move, ND.

5. Baylor (Idle)
        Reverend / Minister: Baylor is just sitting on the outside PRAYING to God they get into the College Football Playoffs. We'll know more in the coming weeks, now won't we?

T-3. Ole Miss (W) 43-37 Alabama
        The Prom King: The biggest movers in this weeks polls are also the biggest douchebags. They pulled down Alabama's pants in front of the girl they liked and laughed when they tried to fight back later on in the night. No one likes you, 'Prom King". Your douchebag friends on the cheerleading squad and football team stuffed the ballot box. Your shit does stink, I assure you. Calm down, it's only been 3 games...

T-3. TCU (W) 56-37 SMU
        A Race Car: Go. Just go. All gas, no brake. FOR THREE HOURS. It's like watching NASCAR, but with less hair.

2. Michgan State (W) 35-21 Air Force
        King Leonidas: THIS. IS. SPARTA!!! Believe the hype, don't believe the hype...it doesn't matter. Those gold and green alternate lids should warrant a Top 25 spot alone. Now they're wandering around the Midwest looking for teams to kick into bottomless pits, so if yoiu're in the area, watch where you step.

1. Ohio State (W) 20-17 Northern Illinois
          A Horseshoe: I know Ohio Stadium is nicknamed "The Horseshoe" so it seems all the more appropriate. They've been more than lucky to escape three straight weeks with wins against inferior opponents. Cardale Jones should've left when he had the chance, but now he's resorting to third string QB...err wait...



And there you have it...Week 4. If you liked it, let me know and I'll do next weeks Top 25 with a comparison of your choosing! I'm out...

Hello again.The College Football Playoffs are here and of course that means controversy. In the event you don't care or are tired of hearing it, go make some toast.

First off, someone needs to explain to me how these conferences are named and what the criteria is for admission into them. The Big Twelve has ten teams. The Big Ten has fourteen. The Southeastern Conference has a team located in what could be considered the Midwest. The Pacific Twelve has a team in the Rocky Mountains. The Atlantic Coast Conference has a representative in the state of Kentucky. There is a conference that represents the USA and one that represents American Athletics. None of this shit makes sense.

I don't even feel like getting into the controversy. I just think it's hilarious that the two teams complaining the most represent two of the four private FBS representatives of Texas who up until about a decade ago were argueably two of the most irrelevant programs in the state. Now you want to bitch about how great your school is? I'm glad you're enjoying this recent success. I'm sure winning a national championship in football will mean so much more to your university than the countless national championships you get in women's basketball and douchebaggery. You're just going to have to wait, Baylor. Sorry losing by three to a one loss team wasn't enough to keep you in top four, TCU. Surely you deserved to be there instead of "Famous Jameis" and his band of Illiterate Fools. Although I will say...any team with a head coach by the name of "Jimbo" has my vote, as irrelevant as it may be. I digress...


In the unlikely event you didn't know who the four private FBS reps for Texas were...

Rice: Have you ever heard of someone bragging about going to Rice? I haven't. Ever. I know people that went to Rice, and I don't even think they were the ones to tell me.

Southern Methodist University: If you know anyone who went to SMU, you KNOW they went to SMU. They won't let you forget it, and for the life of me, I have no idea why. It's a beautiful campus, located in a well to do area of Dallas, but that's about all it's got going for it. Gamedays consist of white dresses, long sleeve shirts and shorts, boatshoes and bowties in 110 degree heat. The trademarks of the asshole.

Texas Christian University: I will be completely honest with you all. I have little to no knowledge of this place. It's in Fort Worth down the street from a zoo, their students and alum seem to feel entitled to...well everything, their colors are...unique (read: what the fuck?) and their mascot is a frog.

Baylor University: This one is my favorite of them all. If you've ever met someone that went to Baylor, they are sure to be one of the most annoying friends you have. You probably hate them at least 122 days a year from September until November, if not longer. Their is a certain aire of entitlement, although I have no idea why.

I want to be completely transparent. Yes I did go to Texas A&M. At no point leading up to my decision did I ever contemplate any other university. I am not jealous in any way of these four private universities. I'm sure they offer something of value to society, it's just not their alumni.

I really don't like Baylor. Sorry. My heart smiles at their anger and sadness. I've heard about how they're "so much better than A&M at everything", and that's fine. Enjoy your brief spot in the limelight. You deserve it for the 85 years of prior irrelevance.

The End.

It's been over two years since I updated this thing...if you missed me, I hope you're glad I am back and you're welcome. If you're sad I'm back, I just gave you a reason to quit being such a nerd and wasting your stupid pathetic life in front of a computer reading blogs...so you're still welcome.

This will be concise. Listen. If you're not from Texas, you have an excuse. If you are from Texas, you need to go back to school...



This is an accurate representation of Southern Texas. The dashed line symbolizes the boundary of what is known as Southern Texas from it's Central, Northern and Western counterparts. Southern is below this line. This is Southern Texas.




This represents SOUTH Texas. Everything in the shaded color below the dashed line is South Texas. The hand arrow is pointing at South Texas. This is South Texas.

Before you ask, yes there is a difference. A large difference.

-Southern Texans are hospitable and have slight twangy accents.
-South Texans are also hospitable and are 95% hispanic...so they have hispanic accents by default.

-Southern Texans think they're from South Texas.
-South Texans think they're in Mexico.

-Southern Texas = San Antonio and south
-South Texas = Falfurrias and south

So before you go claiming you're from South Texas, know the difference. It's like claiming you're from the Midwest and then telling people you're from Missouri. You're Midwest by geography, and Southern by ALL OTHER STANDARDS. You don't fit in with the likes of Iowa and Nebraska's cornfields. You don't belong with Minnesota and it's "Land of a Thousand Lakes and One Horrific Accent" or Kansas and it's forgettable everything. You fit with the toothless, backwoods, moonshine drinking, sister marrying, tobacco chewing, bible beating south. YOU ARE A SOUTHERN STATE. Your state university is in the Eastern Divison of the SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE (don't get me started on that amazing display of geographical sensibility).

Know you're place. Know where you're from. I am from South Texas. Some of you are also from South Texas. But a great many of you will claim you are from South Texas, when you, in truth, are from Missouri.

In summation...what were we talking about? Oh yeah. The price of tea in China.

Have a good night Shanghai!

Things I thought about today:

+ I would be the MVP of the Lingerie Football League. I'm about 94.6% confident about this one.

+ There's something gratifying about watching a guy get pummeled for 3 minutes in an octagon or ring. We endorse it. There's something concerning about watching a guy get pummeled for 3 minutes on the street corner.  We shouldn't endorse it. There's something terrifying about getting pummeled for 3 minutes anywhere. I don't endorse it.

+ If you look at a map of the United States with the Alaska/Hawaii inset in the lower left corner, and took Texas out, the United States would look an awful lot like a pair of butt cheeks.

+ I think the only reason the Mayans didn't finish their calendar was because the Spaniards introduced them to small pox, horses, and venerial disease. It's hard to think with that kind of burning...

 + If we ever get mechanized roadways with cars that drive themselves, will we still have drunk driving? Will it turn into drunk navigating?

    "Automobile, go straight through that red light...trust me..."

I can't wait to find out. Come on scientists, if the Mayans were right and not just sidetracked, you're in a serious time crunch.

+ Why didn't anyone ever call child protective services about Pigpen? You'd think the other Peanut characters would at least get him a bar of soap or something for his birthday.

+ The entire cast of Saved by the Bell moved from Indiana to California...and thought NO ONE would notice.

+ The main reason we acquired New Mexico was to prove Mexican's can own new things.

+ If you hand me a business card with no coupon attached, you're really handing me a post it note that has no tack...because I write all over them, I'll throw it away...and I'll never call you.

Onelove.

It's been awhile since I put braintoughts down. Here's a sampling:

- I think about Angry Birds at least twice a day. Most of the time, I envision what type of Angry Bird a person would be if they were...well...an Angry Bird. So far, I have a few additions that I think would be excellent:

Flamingo: Tall, lanky, goofy
People Quality: Very analytical but not physically gifted. Doesn't mind being slighted and shit on in life because they don't know any better and don't want to cause problems. Generally well mannered, but...common sense retarded.
Power: Schnoz of Reckoning

Falcon: Cocky, youthful, arrogant
People Quality: Wants to get down to brass tacks, doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Will talk over you to find out what kind of "deal" you're going to give them. Generally dresses the part of ultra-douche with cell strapped to hand and face. Still attached to the M&D Fund in some cases.
Power: Talonic Eviceration

Penguin: Short, rotund, self righteous
People Quality: Generally wants the finer things in life because they've "worked for it". Enjoys sitting in silence and making uncomfortable silence deafening. Extremely protective of personal information. Spectacles preferred but not required.
Power: Waddle/Roll/Slide of Death

Pidgeon: All sizes, all ages, sneaky
People Quality: Difficult. Available only when not needed or wanted. Will scavenge for any deal, good or bad, because they think its "THE" deal. Caution: May carry diseases and other freeloaders. Has no personal information to protect.
Power: Swarm/Vanish

Platypus: WTF? (Listen, I know it's not a bird...relax)
People Quality: WTF? (I'm still aware it's not a bird)
Power: WTF? (I get it, alright?)

Damn...I really wish they had a Platypus in Angry Birds.

If I've done my math correctly...it's been about 400 days since I last updated this thing. That means important things have happened...namely the most important: Tiger's Wood.

+ I once filled 212 plastic cups half way with water and put them on the floor of my roommates room while he was sleeping.

+ The scariest part of Paranormal Activity was when I sneezed and almost stabbed my eye with a straw from my drink.

+ My mother has an email address but doesn't know how to turn on a computer. Similarly, she has a cell phone and knows how to call out and end calls....that being the extent of her wireless capabilities.

+ I've lived in the DFW metro for 4 years and have never: gone to Medeval Times or Fort Worth, been west of DFW Airport, east of Mesquite, north of McKinney, seen Oak Cliff or a Cowboy/Stars game, gone to Six Flags or been to any other "lake" other than White Rock. I am a true explorer.

+ I think a tie is a lot like portable colorful napkin.

+ I used to think wearing a dress shirt with jeans and a tie was classy. Now I think it's a mixed message...like...I wanna be formal, but I also came to party. In other words, it's the wardrobe version of the mullet.

+ 420 is the only day in which a sole purchase of anchovies is acceptable.

+ In Texas, beer may not be purchased after midnight on a Sunday, but it may be purchased on Monday. Similarly, it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Maybe I'll have some more brain thoughts later...we'll see.

+ When I was walking down the Red Light District main drag in Amsterdam, a gentleman tried to solicite my attention by promoting his live sex show as "sucking, f**king, straight bananas". To this day I have no idea what that means. I never saw a banana in his live sex show...gay or straight.

+ On that same trip, I travelled with four other Anglo gentlemen...all of which were proficient in only English. As we walked down the drag, a local drug dealer targeted us and asked my fellow colleagues if they wanted "cocaine, extasy, charlie". The interrogation continued as such until he happened upon me to which his sales pitch changed to "coca, cocaina"...

+ My mother is on Google Maps Street View standing outside her house. If you know my parents address, check it out.

+ The first time I got drunk was when I was eighteen. I didn't know how alcohol affected a person, so I kept taking shot after shot of Bacardi Limon...until I ended up in the backyard of my friends grandfathers. Upon dropping me off at my house, my friends (along with myself) realized I had left my truck at my other friend's house. Unconcerned with this, I went inside my house and fell asleep on my bed until about 4 a.m. when I realized what was going on. I promptly put my shoes on, opened my window and crawled out, and ran approximately a mile and a half uphill to his house to get my truck. Once I had pulled into the driveway, I looked up and saw that the kitchen light was on as my father was getting ready to leave for work. Stealthy, I managed to crawl back in through the window and go back to sleep...without my parents ever finding out...or at least I think...

+ Along those same lines, I always used to tell my parents I was going bowling or going to shoot pool on a Friday or Saturday night when I was eighteen. I used this excuse everytime I was going out. Every. Time. What I REALLY meant to say was "I'm going to Mexico to drink with my friends. Funny how that happens. I'm surprised I didn't get a bowling ball or pool cue for Christmas/birthday.